when life gives you a reason to cry.. cry.

i know it's not supposed to go like that.

"when life gives you a thousand reason to cry.. smile" or something like that, i dunno.

but after some situation which came up tonight, yes, indeed it was a fucked up situation,

when you are just really, simply down when I figured it can be the other way around.

don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong about this quote or saying, actually I find it inspiring.

thing is, tonight, and for every other human being out there, who can feel the same as I am feeling now,

there are just instances and chances when you don't want to pretend about how you feel,

when you just can't apply 'just yet' this saying for you to say that you are fine or will be fine for the moment, when you know for yourself you just really can't.. not now.

and so I came up with this.. I mean, self explanatory as it is,

when life gives you a reason to cry, like what I am currently experiencing right now.. cry.

i have to let it go, i have to let it flow, let it be expressed as much as it needs to be.

I actually think that there are instances when people use this quote for them to be alright and try to be okay,

but I thought, what is really the definition of 'use' for them? probably to just read it? 

or automatically, fast paced as it could be, apply it to yourself instantly.

when in fact it isn't the way that it should be,

when in fact it does not need to be "used",

when in fact, it needs to be reflected upon, and slowly be done.

be honest with yourself, express what the real feelings are bursting inside of you,

that feeling that needs to get out, and by then should you look up on a thing called 'time', at times, a lot of it,

and by then, maybe slowly, you realize that you aren't actually just reading that quote,

slowly, you realize that you aren't just trying hard to apply it, when it isn't really time for it to enter the scene,

but instead, slowly, you are learning and reflecting..

what is the reason for this fucked up things to happen?

how did it actually affected me? will we be ever be okay again?

what did it bring in my life? what did I learn?

what should I do? how should I see it, years from now?

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I want to know.

I want to know, how can I answer these questions.

and if I can finally answer these.. maybe that's the time, when I can come up with a new title for this,

that "when life give me reasons to cry.. cry.. and by then, can you smile"

this will be over, i trust that 'cause i trust HIM.

I had a dream.. then reality bites.

okay, so this is so much for my first blog for New Year!

not much of a good start..

but even I, when I read it, in the end, it seems to me like a first challenge/learning for 2013.

so yeah, let's start this :)

I just got home from school.

so I was tired and all from the travel, plus the thinking of thy 'things to do' puts me in a short nap.

and so obviously, this will sound mushy and melodramatic as it is, but as the title goes..

I actually had a dream.

we all dream of something or someone,

some say it is because you are thinking of that certain someone or that certain situation before going or taking that nap, that's why you were able to dream about it or them.

I think, for me, it is a perhaps.

I'm not sure if I was actually thinking of a certain someone, or

I'm not sure if I am imagining myself, being in that situation.

Okay, too much interventions, I know, my bad... so here is how it goes.

I was able to create a great painting, and my competition were two of my friends (to be named eka and thea)

and yes, I won the title of 'Best Artist' (you know, that is actually a good part, right there)

and here comes a guy, I don't really know ( but he is indeed, good looking in my dream)

guy gave me the award, and this is the part where everything falls apart for me.

the guy was inexplicably sweet and was showing and making me feel that he actually cares for me.

and then such scenes like being hugged, being kissed which can be really defined sweet and gentle and not those like will make you feel awkward, with that dream, it was all natural and.. pure.

to think, it was just a dream, but it felt real.. at least for that moment.

then it all came to my senses.

i was awake and trying to get back in that world.

i was one of those who believe in the phase of "waiting-for-the-right-guy-at-the-right-time"

i was one of those who believe that the right time will come for me to feel and experience such, and I still do.

i have nothing against being in a relationship, i mean, it has become normal and neutral now more than ever.

i am also not one of those who's all giddy and excited to be in one.

but the thing is, in that dream, for once, I was able to feel really loved, take note, "REALLY" by a guy, for that matter. 

for once, I've been taken care of at that time.

for once, it was me who was valued and not being took for granted.

(yes, I have my experience but this wouldn't be an appropriate time to share it)

let's just say that all my life, so far, it was me who either plays the role of a bridge bet. two, as they call it, "lovers" or the one being hurt, feelings being played of and lastly, unheard and unknown feelings. (i know, it sounds unreal and epic, but please do believe me when I say this, because no one would want to share something as hurtful like this. yeah? )

and yes.. by a guy.

see, why I almost cried when I woke up?

i knooooow, it might look overreacting or intense melodramatic scene, but it's real and I just have to say it.

I came to wonder when will actually be that time when I can feel such for real?

or will it even ever happen to me?

insecurity and depression attacks.. but after writing this, i'm quite relieved.

so I guess, I'll just have to continue waiting.

who knows what's in store for me?

so yes, Tracy, just trust in HIM. 

sorry for this mushy blog! but if there is a reader, I therefore, thank you whole heartedly.

this isn't to scare you if you are single right now that you should panic and start looking for "the" guy!

just be inspired and continue to fall in love.. after all, at the end of the day, it's the greatest feeling there is :)

(c) photo from tumblr

P.S  may I admit that my feelings are unheard and unknows right now! so if you, by any chance, manage to read this, I hope you'll have the hint. k, this is intensley "kaartihan" :)) sorry! .. but true ;)

have to study!! thanks, again :)