FELT

Okay.

This is probably the time that I post “again” on my blog since like.. I don’t know, it’s been way too long. Thing is, you really want to have a say about something you really like.

Like.

Not because everyone heard it and everyone likes this song. Not because everyone who saw it, is amazed and had a crush to “Erika Linder” who is featured on this lyric video like me, not just like that.

Well, yes.

I’ve known about Erika Linder and what he/she does after watching the video, and yes, I like him/her. I like the fact that she can be amazingly attractive both as a guy and a girl. It is fascinating to know that she is the first to model both for male and female fashion, because she CAN, I admire the fact that she’s a natural about it, and that it gets me. I’ve been using the “/” symbol in this blog for quite some time now.. it makes me want to end this part with.. Yes, she is a bisexual, and honestly, I am just way too amazed, just too much amazed to discuss anything about third sex. (Well, I am not blogging to emphasize it, plus I really don’t have anything against them) Thing is, it is the same with how she treats herself. Her twitter caption says "I have too much imagination to just be one gender." says it all. No other matters to be discussed, like if it is acceptable or not, but only embracing the idea and seeing it more like an “art” rather than an “issue” and just admiring the fact that what she does is who she is.

Not just about her.

Awesome Possum work in here, Katy Perry. I mean, the song. There is just TOO MUCH ABOUT IT, how it can get to the one listening to it, not just for the sake of being updated with what’s the latest song or trend, but letting music really play its role.

Lyrics - straight to the point and really gets me.

Tone - hooorraaaay, love it.                                                                  

So, what is this?

Again, I just want to have a say about this, because I don’t just like it for its lyrics and its tone or whatever music composition there is. but because I admire what it is trying to evoke, how it can make me think of the time when I can make someone feel this kind of love, or this kind of feeling and how I can make him happy (yes, him), how I can perhaps change his perception on things because this is more than the cuddle moments, this is more than watching movies or giving each other gifts on valentines day or the physical connection you have when you are in a relationship, I mean, I am not into one but I can tell. rather, this is deep, if one let it be, and for me, when in a relationship, when both of you can make each other feel this “unconditional love” then it is real, and when I say it is real, I cannot explain it further anymore for myself or for anyone because it is unexplainable, rather, it can only be and just felt.

just saying, thanks.

I lost but I won.

I'm a junior.
I had the urge and the heart to run for batch representative for student council, last last week.
come elections, and come results.. and, I lost over my opponent.
but you see, don't get me wrong and see my writing right now, as a sign of bitterness, friends and readers.
of course disappointment is a part of it, but yeah, I figured that there is MORE to it.
and this, my friends, is how I won over my loss. :-)

"You know, I read last Saturday a quote by Robert Anthony,
  a quote which goes like, 'You were placed on this Earth to create, not to compete'
  and then it all came to me.. God, it's true.
  you see, throughout the campaign period, I see it as a chance, given to us candidates,
  to introduce and present ourselves to you, so you guys, would know my name, our names,
  to read and to analyze our platforms,
  and most importantly, to think.. to think really hard,
  if some of us can really contribute something,
  as some of us become a part of next school year's student council.
  If others, see that campaign period, as a chance to compete and defeat others already,
  then come to think of it.. are they even up to something good?
  don't get me wrong, I know, in a way, competition is a part of all this
  because that is where the excitement and motivation comes in, but,
  in the end, what really matters is how we present ourselves, and how everyone will remember us."

-- this is the part of my speech that I wasn't able to say to the crowd during the "meeting de avance" because each candidate was only given a time limit of 2 mins to present. Sad, yes. but you I think the reason I wasn't able to say it is because it is not intended to be said that time, it is intended for me to read and reflect on after the elections, after my loss.

I was waiting till midnight of Saturday, hoping that someone could at least spill some hints on who won.
and yes, they came, all thanks to the reliable source, twitter world.
those who can't wait to congratulate their friends who won.
so, I saw it, someone congratulated my opponent with the "ALL CAPS GREETING" :-)
and the moment, I saw that.. I, uhh...sighed and yes, cried a little.
and after that.. nothing. I actually shut down the laptop and sank into my bed. *goodnight, loser* :-))

the following day, a lot tried to comfort me, by means of words of wisdom and hugs.
seriously, I thank all of you.
I really appreciate all the "Tracy.. awwe, talo ka daw, okay lang yan!!" so yeah, thanks guys! :-)
but that's when it sank in to me.. um, hello? shouldn't I be depressed?
I was starting to think that God, I am so used in losing that I am immuned to it, but it is also at that time that God sent people for me to actually bang my head into something hard and stop thinking pathetically.
1. Mom: "Anak, it's not for you, yun lang yun. God has better plans for you plus, good experience yan"
2. Dad: "Talo ka daw sabi ng mama mo. okay lang yan! something good ahead, be a good sport"
3. Friends: "Okay lang yan, love ka naman namin eh!"
                 "10 lang lamang! imagine? 10? ano baaaa. close fight yun, oh!"

honestly, for me, I find this more overwhelming than "Congratulations!" if ever I won.
Experience. Plans. Life -- these 3 words get into me, when me and my friends talked about it.
I mean, it's true!
just the thought that I overcome my fear and had the courage to run is something else.
just the thought that I got sick because of too much stress and being busy is OVERWHELMING, swear.
just the thought that i had the courage to post my face in posters and tarpaulins is SOMETHING!! :-))
and most importantly, just the thought that people believed in me, is something I am really THANKFUL.
all in all, this experience is superb! and it is something I will always look back into.
I didn't win but if it wasn't because of my loss, I wouldn't get to slow down and think all of these.
If I hadn't lost, I wouldn't get this chance to realize things.
If I hadn't lost, I wouldn't get to see and believe that God has his plans for me.

my platform goes like this.. "Good decisions, come up with Great solutions".
for some time, I prepared this for the voters, for the campaign period.
only to find out that in the end, it is me who will find great meaning into it.
my decision to run and lose will never be a bad thing for me,
instead, I found the solutions to my self issues.
now, I am more determined, and confident in a way to face any situations ahead.
I'm just really glad that I won't regret one day the idea that I didn't try.
I'm not making a big deal out of this, it's just that I really learned something from this,
and I find it inspiring to see that it all makes sense.
I thank God for this, really.
It's true that when you trust in Him, things are just simply perfect and happy.

this is Tracy Reyes, and I lost but I won.. big time! :-)

(c) TUMBLR

I did looked at things differently.. and it was worth it and more awesome than expected.

ALWAYS look on the BRIGHT side, cause there really is :-)

*to my opponent, congratulations! best of luck in the position! :-)

when life gives you a reason to cry.. cry.

i know it's not supposed to go like that.

"when life gives you a thousand reason to cry.. smile" or something like that, i dunno.

but after some situation which came up tonight, yes, indeed it was a fucked up situation,

when you are just really, simply down when I figured it can be the other way around.

don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong about this quote or saying, actually I find it inspiring.

thing is, tonight, and for every other human being out there, who can feel the same as I am feeling now,

there are just instances and chances when you don't want to pretend about how you feel,

when you just can't apply 'just yet' this saying for you to say that you are fine or will be fine for the moment, when you know for yourself you just really can't.. not now.

and so I came up with this.. I mean, self explanatory as it is,

when life gives you a reason to cry, like what I am currently experiencing right now.. cry.

i have to let it go, i have to let it flow, let it be expressed as much as it needs to be.

I actually think that there are instances when people use this quote for them to be alright and try to be okay,

but I thought, what is really the definition of 'use' for them? probably to just read it? 

or automatically, fast paced as it could be, apply it to yourself instantly.

when in fact it isn't the way that it should be,

when in fact it does not need to be "used",

when in fact, it needs to be reflected upon, and slowly be done.

be honest with yourself, express what the real feelings are bursting inside of you,

that feeling that needs to get out, and by then should you look up on a thing called 'time', at times, a lot of it,

and by then, maybe slowly, you realize that you aren't actually just reading that quote,

slowly, you realize that you aren't just trying hard to apply it, when it isn't really time for it to enter the scene,

but instead, slowly, you are learning and reflecting..

what is the reason for this fucked up things to happen?

how did it actually affected me? will we be ever be okay again?

what did it bring in my life? what did I learn?

what should I do? how should I see it, years from now?

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I want to know.

I want to know, how can I answer these questions.

and if I can finally answer these.. maybe that's the time, when I can come up with a new title for this,

that "when life give me reasons to cry.. cry.. and by then, can you smile"

this will be over, i trust that 'cause i trust HIM.

I had a dream.. then reality bites.

okay, so this is so much for my first blog for New Year!

not much of a good start..

but even I, when I read it, in the end, it seems to me like a first challenge/learning for 2013.

so yeah, let's start this :)

I just got home from school.

so I was tired and all from the travel, plus the thinking of thy 'things to do' puts me in a short nap.

and so obviously, this will sound mushy and melodramatic as it is, but as the title goes..

I actually had a dream.

we all dream of something or someone,

some say it is because you are thinking of that certain someone or that certain situation before going or taking that nap, that's why you were able to dream about it or them.

I think, for me, it is a perhaps.

I'm not sure if I was actually thinking of a certain someone, or

I'm not sure if I am imagining myself, being in that situation.

Okay, too much interventions, I know, my bad... so here is how it goes.

I was able to create a great painting, and my competition were two of my friends (to be named eka and thea)

and yes, I won the title of 'Best Artist' (you know, that is actually a good part, right there)

and here comes a guy, I don't really know ( but he is indeed, good looking in my dream)

guy gave me the award, and this is the part where everything falls apart for me.

the guy was inexplicably sweet and was showing and making me feel that he actually cares for me.

and then such scenes like being hugged, being kissed which can be really defined sweet and gentle and not those like will make you feel awkward, with that dream, it was all natural and.. pure.

to think, it was just a dream, but it felt real.. at least for that moment.

then it all came to my senses.

i was awake and trying to get back in that world.

i was one of those who believe in the phase of "waiting-for-the-right-guy-at-the-right-time"

i was one of those who believe that the right time will come for me to feel and experience such, and I still do.

i have nothing against being in a relationship, i mean, it has become normal and neutral now more than ever.

i am also not one of those who's all giddy and excited to be in one.

but the thing is, in that dream, for once, I was able to feel really loved, take note, "REALLY" by a guy, for that matter. 

for once, I've been taken care of at that time.

for once, it was me who was valued and not being took for granted.

(yes, I have my experience but this wouldn't be an appropriate time to share it)

let's just say that all my life, so far, it was me who either plays the role of a bridge bet. two, as they call it, "lovers" or the one being hurt, feelings being played of and lastly, unheard and unknown feelings. (i know, it sounds unreal and epic, but please do believe me when I say this, because no one would want to share something as hurtful like this. yeah? )

and yes.. by a guy.

see, why I almost cried when I woke up?

i knooooow, it might look overreacting or intense melodramatic scene, but it's real and I just have to say it.

I came to wonder when will actually be that time when I can feel such for real?

or will it even ever happen to me?

insecurity and depression attacks.. but after writing this, i'm quite relieved.

so I guess, I'll just have to continue waiting.

who knows what's in store for me?

so yes, Tracy, just trust in HIM. 

sorry for this mushy blog! but if there is a reader, I therefore, thank you whole heartedly.

this isn't to scare you if you are single right now that you should panic and start looking for "the" guy!

just be inspired and continue to fall in love.. after all, at the end of the day, it's the greatest feeling there is :)

(c) photo from tumblr

P.S  may I admit that my feelings are unheard and unknows right now! so if you, by any chance, manage to read this, I hope you'll have the hint. k, this is intensley "kaartihan" :)) sorry! .. but true ;)

have to study!! thanks, again :)

simbang gabi at tsokolate... Meri Krismas!

it's the 25th of December.

so I should therefore, greet everyone who is probably reading this a Merry Christmas!

*insert smiley face here*

thing is, what is this greeting for?

when you greet others, what do you have in mind?

are you expecting a gift or greeting also in return? or a long sweet message from someone you love?

what is Christmas for you?

it has tons and millions of definition from different minds, i know, but since i am the blogger here, let me tell you what it is for a certain, me :) so shall we?

i came up with the title for the reason that, that is Christmas for me.

why 'Simbang Gabi'? 

aside from the fact that I am a Filipino who yes, very much treasure this Christmas tradition, 

i also happen to find an explicit meaning and explanation for it.

Christmas, for me is like a key, and opening, an opportunity for me to begin, AGAIN.

it's this time of the year that I actually find time for me to get back up on my feet, and play the game of life, AGAIN.

it's this time of the year when i can gather all that positive vibes, and let it flow within thy vein of mine, AGAIN.

it's this time of the year when i have that thinking that I can do things, all over AGAIN, that it excites me.

leave the past, play the present, and dream wide awake of the future.

thing is or should I say, the fact is, I can start all of these in the right way with 'simbang gabi', with HIM.

thinking that I found the time for me to finally open myself to God, which is this time of the year is a good way to start another year, back to the game with much strength and a lot more wise from all the mistakes, experiences, from before.

so to conclude it, Christmas is all about Him, all about Jesus and how HE will be the way, the only way of life as I start it again, this coming year.

why tsokolate?

hello there Filipinos! now this is a very delicious drink to define Christmas in our country :)

but how did I came up with this on my title and how did I find an explanation to Christmas from it?

because it is 'BITTERSWEET'.

my previous year is all about being "bittersweet"

i have my bitter moments, downs, and fall back.

but i also happen to have my sweet moments, time when I look and find reasons to be happy and keep playing.

and that is Christmas for me, a time to look back on the previous happening and pictures in your life..

reflect on it..

cry about it..

laugh about it..

but the most important thing is when you learn from it..

and you will apply it to the things that will happen in the future.

crap, i am so mushy about this.

but this is me.

i finally found the time for me to write, again.

and damn, it feels so good (with ir without a reader.. but it's better if I can share these inspiring thought to others, though)

i guess, what i am just trying to say is Christmas isn't just about the food, the gifts, and stuff.

it's about something else more deeper and significant.

it's about praying for the needs of others, who need it more than we do.

remembering what it really was about, and that is about HIM.

forgiveness and love. (which really applies to my family, right now. just sharing, though, might blog about it sometime in the future)

and yes, as my title goes.. "simbang gabi at tsokolate" :)

a blesses Christmas, everyone!

may we all be able to start something new and good in our lives!

God bless.

oh.. Happy Happy Birthday, Jesus! I love you, really.

(c) photo from tumblr

when i forgot to drink my doze of reality.

when i should be studying..

     so i had some alone time and it seems i am in a semi-happy state I've always wanted to be. yes, i am inside an over rated coffee shop ( if you're a coffee lover, i think you'd know what it is) and i am being microchip small kind of pissed with the very noisy people but i don't have the right to be, right? it's a coffee shop and they're not studying accounting and being melodramatic like a certain me, they are either talking in a Korean dialect or being all cuddly together. how sweeeeeeet, it affects my spinal chord already. well, it's whatever.

       as the title said so, i wasn't able to drink my pill of reality that's why i was able to come up with this, but really, what i really want to write here is nothing in particular. i guess, i just want to write, plus, i have this question in mind I want to share with others who might be actually reading my blog. do you ever wonder, like me, how many random people are in this world, again, like me? i mean, i feel alone, thinking that everyone is busy living their world, literally (hope someone get me here) and i'm not. i mean, for me, this is my way of living:

1. thinking

2. coming up with something to write

3. actions

4. experience

5. learning

6. Getting back up on my feet

        though I admit that, yes, i need a bit more doze of reality.

like right now.. something came up while i'm currently writing this..

if i indeed, have readers, then you must be mad or pissed thinking that I, indeed need more reality and instead of writing about stuff like this, i should be writing about something in particular like how to help those affected by the "Hanging Habagat" incident, donation and relief good stuff and all that but before anythiing else, or any judgements, just so everyone knows, my family are also one of those who were affected, we're just thankful to God that we're not like those who's really affected until now and also, until now, we are using the best weapon there is which are prayers, yes we are praying for them so yeah., shall we continue to pray? :)

i guess, i should go back on studying,

this is what I call my private, happy time.

academics.notes.coffee.wind.

hi, im living a neutral life and im currently down.

WARNING: very, extremely random. sorry!

(c) tumblr - the picture is as random as me.

literally "hooray for today!"

(c) picture from TUMBLR

parang mcdonalds lang? lol

hi, you guys! it's been a while since i blogged again and here i am once again trying to share something in some readers, if there are, out there or something like that but anyway.. here we go! yes, i am excited to write again:)

"hooray for today!" yes, obviously, i did have a good day. so, what's with today? we all love our school, whether it's a big university or a small community of college. well, as for me, i am currently a resident of a good college, to say so (which, honestly, i just realized today for some reasons) any, today we had an event, something to welcome the freshmen people who will be part of our "college" family soon and we had this 'tradition thing' in our school wherein we volunteer for that day to be an 'ate' and guide them like with explaining how it works in our college, campus tour and all that. and yes, we did all of that today.

you must be probably wondering what is inspiring with a campus tour and being an ate the whole day? it would only be something tiring to do and i admit, yes it is but to tell what this blog is about, let me just tell you that today i realized a lot of things by doing and experiencing this tiring day and end it up way inspired.

everything about it is just inspiring. the people around me, the simple success and proud feeling they get for themselves, their speeches (i know speeches from old people are usually boring, but c'mon it won't harm you to listen sometime. hehe), how they treat life, how they see it, and how they cope with it. all of it, it just hits me and i came to wonder that this coming school year, i am already on the junior level and perhaps, probably, it is already the time for me to actually start doing something.. i dunno, just something. something that will put a smile on my face at the end of every day and by giving out a sigh and saying 'tough day, but i actually did something productive out there' and with that simple thought, you are actually overwhelmed and for me feeling overwhelmed at times serves as a motivation for one to keep up and go on with whatever life can actually fucking bring. excitiiiing. hehe

"hello freshies! tracy nga pala, and yes, i know, mukha akong 1st year hs dahil sa height ko pero maniwala ho kayo, 3rd year na ako sa pasukan. hahaha" -me "hahahaha, hi ate!" -them. i know, ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko but i believe being 'mababaw' sometimes serves as the simple yet best happiness there is, after all, the small stuff matters right? so yes, we went on to a campus tour, met people, mingle with people and it's a thing that i like most, it simpy lighten me up. i make them laugh, i put comfort with them and we avoided that awkward feeling of the 'just met' part and trust me, when you see that 'easy feeling' on them? hay, it's worth it. medyo nakakapagod kasi talaga kanina, i was on campus tour with the whole 'education' students/freshmen but it was hell fun. before we say goodbye to each other, i assure them that it'll really be a 'welcome, girls!' by ending it up with something that goes like this, 'sa pasukan, kapag nagkita tayo dapat pansinan ah! as in parang barkada lang' and they are like, 'ano nga po ulit name niyo?' and i said, 'tracy' and then it's their answer that makes it more fun, 'sige po! thank you po!' and perhaps, i hope i made them feel really welcome in their new home.

it's the simple things to matter. you can appreciate things if you choose to appreciate them. you can make something productive, if you are active and true to the things you want to do. you can always try out new things, accept possibilities, go with the opportunities and live it up, ALWAYS to the fullest, all if YOU WANT TO. i wish this feeling that i had today is always with me, but one thing is certain, i am excited to the things ahead of me, and i will always try to feel this happiness again. no harm in trying, right? go lang ng go ;)

so there, one ASSUMPTIONISTA signing off ;)

hi, i'm livin' a neutral life!

(c) TUMBLR picture

-tracy