I lost but I won.

I'm a junior.
I had the urge and the heart to run for batch representative for student council, last last week.
come elections, and come results.. and, I lost over my opponent.
but you see, don't get me wrong and see my writing right now, as a sign of bitterness, friends and readers.
of course disappointment is a part of it, but yeah, I figured that there is MORE to it.
and this, my friends, is how I won over my loss. :-)

"You know, I read last Saturday a quote by Robert Anthony,
  a quote which goes like, 'You were placed on this Earth to create, not to compete'
  and then it all came to me.. God, it's true.
  you see, throughout the campaign period, I see it as a chance, given to us candidates,
  to introduce and present ourselves to you, so you guys, would know my name, our names,
  to read and to analyze our platforms,
  and most importantly, to think.. to think really hard,
  if some of us can really contribute something,
  as some of us become a part of next school year's student council.
  If others, see that campaign period, as a chance to compete and defeat others already,
  then come to think of it.. are they even up to something good?
  don't get me wrong, I know, in a way, competition is a part of all this
  because that is where the excitement and motivation comes in, but,
  in the end, what really matters is how we present ourselves, and how everyone will remember us."

-- this is the part of my speech that I wasn't able to say to the crowd during the "meeting de avance" because each candidate was only given a time limit of 2 mins to present. Sad, yes. but you I think the reason I wasn't able to say it is because it is not intended to be said that time, it is intended for me to read and reflect on after the elections, after my loss.

I was waiting till midnight of Saturday, hoping that someone could at least spill some hints on who won.
and yes, they came, all thanks to the reliable source, twitter world.
those who can't wait to congratulate their friends who won.
so, I saw it, someone congratulated my opponent with the "ALL CAPS GREETING" :-)
and the moment, I saw that.. I, uhh...sighed and yes, cried a little.
and after that.. nothing. I actually shut down the laptop and sank into my bed. *goodnight, loser* :-))

the following day, a lot tried to comfort me, by means of words of wisdom and hugs.
seriously, I thank all of you.
I really appreciate all the "Tracy.. awwe, talo ka daw, okay lang yan!!" so yeah, thanks guys! :-)
but that's when it sank in to me.. um, hello? shouldn't I be depressed?
I was starting to think that God, I am so used in losing that I am immuned to it, but it is also at that time that God sent people for me to actually bang my head into something hard and stop thinking pathetically.
1. Mom: "Anak, it's not for you, yun lang yun. God has better plans for you plus, good experience yan"
2. Dad: "Talo ka daw sabi ng mama mo. okay lang yan! something good ahead, be a good sport"
3. Friends: "Okay lang yan, love ka naman namin eh!"
                 "10 lang lamang! imagine? 10? ano baaaa. close fight yun, oh!"

honestly, for me, I find this more overwhelming than "Congratulations!" if ever I won.
Experience. Plans. Life -- these 3 words get into me, when me and my friends talked about it.
I mean, it's true!
just the thought that I overcome my fear and had the courage to run is something else.
just the thought that I got sick because of too much stress and being busy is OVERWHELMING, swear.
just the thought that i had the courage to post my face in posters and tarpaulins is SOMETHING!! :-))
and most importantly, just the thought that people believed in me, is something I am really THANKFUL.
all in all, this experience is superb! and it is something I will always look back into.
I didn't win but if it wasn't because of my loss, I wouldn't get to slow down and think all of these.
If I hadn't lost, I wouldn't get this chance to realize things.
If I hadn't lost, I wouldn't get to see and believe that God has his plans for me.

my platform goes like this.. "Good decisions, come up with Great solutions".
for some time, I prepared this for the voters, for the campaign period.
only to find out that in the end, it is me who will find great meaning into it.
my decision to run and lose will never be a bad thing for me,
instead, I found the solutions to my self issues.
now, I am more determined, and confident in a way to face any situations ahead.
I'm just really glad that I won't regret one day the idea that I didn't try.
I'm not making a big deal out of this, it's just that I really learned something from this,
and I find it inspiring to see that it all makes sense.
I thank God for this, really.
It's true that when you trust in Him, things are just simply perfect and happy.

this is Tracy Reyes, and I lost but I won.. big time! :-)

(c) TUMBLR

I did looked at things differently.. and it was worth it and more awesome than expected.

ALWAYS look on the BRIGHT side, cause there really is :-)

*to my opponent, congratulations! best of luck in the position! :-)

when life gives you a reason to cry.. cry.

i know it's not supposed to go like that.

"when life gives you a thousand reason to cry.. smile" or something like that, i dunno.

but after some situation which came up tonight, yes, indeed it was a fucked up situation,

when you are just really, simply down when I figured it can be the other way around.

don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong about this quote or saying, actually I find it inspiring.

thing is, tonight, and for every other human being out there, who can feel the same as I am feeling now,

there are just instances and chances when you don't want to pretend about how you feel,

when you just can't apply 'just yet' this saying for you to say that you are fine or will be fine for the moment, when you know for yourself you just really can't.. not now.

and so I came up with this.. I mean, self explanatory as it is,

when life gives you a reason to cry, like what I am currently experiencing right now.. cry.

i have to let it go, i have to let it flow, let it be expressed as much as it needs to be.

I actually think that there are instances when people use this quote for them to be alright and try to be okay,

but I thought, what is really the definition of 'use' for them? probably to just read it? 

or automatically, fast paced as it could be, apply it to yourself instantly.

when in fact it isn't the way that it should be,

when in fact it does not need to be "used",

when in fact, it needs to be reflected upon, and slowly be done.

be honest with yourself, express what the real feelings are bursting inside of you,

that feeling that needs to get out, and by then should you look up on a thing called 'time', at times, a lot of it,

and by then, maybe slowly, you realize that you aren't actually just reading that quote,

slowly, you realize that you aren't just trying hard to apply it, when it isn't really time for it to enter the scene,

but instead, slowly, you are learning and reflecting..

what is the reason for this fucked up things to happen?

how did it actually affected me? will we be ever be okay again?

what did it bring in my life? what did I learn?

what should I do? how should I see it, years from now?

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I want to know.

I want to know, how can I answer these questions.

and if I can finally answer these.. maybe that's the time, when I can come up with a new title for this,

that "when life give me reasons to cry.. cry.. and by then, can you smile"

this will be over, i trust that 'cause i trust HIM.

I had a dream.. then reality bites.

okay, so this is so much for my first blog for New Year!

not much of a good start..

but even I, when I read it, in the end, it seems to me like a first challenge/learning for 2013.

so yeah, let's start this :)

I just got home from school.

so I was tired and all from the travel, plus the thinking of thy 'things to do' puts me in a short nap.

and so obviously, this will sound mushy and melodramatic as it is, but as the title goes..

I actually had a dream.

we all dream of something or someone,

some say it is because you are thinking of that certain someone or that certain situation before going or taking that nap, that's why you were able to dream about it or them.

I think, for me, it is a perhaps.

I'm not sure if I was actually thinking of a certain someone, or

I'm not sure if I am imagining myself, being in that situation.

Okay, too much interventions, I know, my bad... so here is how it goes.

I was able to create a great painting, and my competition were two of my friends (to be named eka and thea)

and yes, I won the title of 'Best Artist' (you know, that is actually a good part, right there)

and here comes a guy, I don't really know ( but he is indeed, good looking in my dream)

guy gave me the award, and this is the part where everything falls apart for me.

the guy was inexplicably sweet and was showing and making me feel that he actually cares for me.

and then such scenes like being hugged, being kissed which can be really defined sweet and gentle and not those like will make you feel awkward, with that dream, it was all natural and.. pure.

to think, it was just a dream, but it felt real.. at least for that moment.

then it all came to my senses.

i was awake and trying to get back in that world.

i was one of those who believe in the phase of "waiting-for-the-right-guy-at-the-right-time"

i was one of those who believe that the right time will come for me to feel and experience such, and I still do.

i have nothing against being in a relationship, i mean, it has become normal and neutral now more than ever.

i am also not one of those who's all giddy and excited to be in one.

but the thing is, in that dream, for once, I was able to feel really loved, take note, "REALLY" by a guy, for that matter. 

for once, I've been taken care of at that time.

for once, it was me who was valued and not being took for granted.

(yes, I have my experience but this wouldn't be an appropriate time to share it)

let's just say that all my life, so far, it was me who either plays the role of a bridge bet. two, as they call it, "lovers" or the one being hurt, feelings being played of and lastly, unheard and unknown feelings. (i know, it sounds unreal and epic, but please do believe me when I say this, because no one would want to share something as hurtful like this. yeah? )

and yes.. by a guy.

see, why I almost cried when I woke up?

i knooooow, it might look overreacting or intense melodramatic scene, but it's real and I just have to say it.

I came to wonder when will actually be that time when I can feel such for real?

or will it even ever happen to me?

insecurity and depression attacks.. but after writing this, i'm quite relieved.

so I guess, I'll just have to continue waiting.

who knows what's in store for me?

so yes, Tracy, just trust in HIM. 

sorry for this mushy blog! but if there is a reader, I therefore, thank you whole heartedly.

this isn't to scare you if you are single right now that you should panic and start looking for "the" guy!

just be inspired and continue to fall in love.. after all, at the end of the day, it's the greatest feeling there is :)

(c) photo from tumblr

P.S  may I admit that my feelings are unheard and unknows right now! so if you, by any chance, manage to read this, I hope you'll have the hint. k, this is intensley "kaartihan" :)) sorry! .. but true ;)

have to study!! thanks, again :)